So, what will you miss?

•October 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

A little over a month ago, i parked my car in the driveway. The clock on my car’s dashboard glowed around 2:30 AM before i killed the engine. I had just dropped my pal from other city off to his hotel, and prior to this us both and some of our other friends had a boys’ night out at various cafes and sheesha joints. I sighed and stepped out of the car, something inside of me was restless and was trying to ask me something. I listened….

“Under the current circumstances, what are you going to miss in the coming weeks, months.. years?”

“My social life, i guess”, i replied to the inner self. “I will miss these late night outings and these impromptu dining sessions at a minute’s notice”.

“Still sure you want to proceed?”, it asked me again.

“Doesn’t matter what i think now, i made this choice months ago”, i replied, resigned to my fate.

“So be it”, said the inner voice and went silent.

I tried to speak to it again, it wasn’t available anymore that night.

I hit the bed, and the day was over.





Aaand the next day, i got married. That old life is just a brilliant memory now.

Game Over.

When it rains (dicks), it pours

•August 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Its a sandy white beach, deserted too…. you are relaxing there, lying naked with eyes closed and letting the sun shine on your back

Suddenly a wild thundery cloud appears out of nowhere and it starts to rain….. dicks.

yeah, instead of water drops, the cloud bursts into hundreds of thousands of giant erect cocks that whiz through the air like guided missiles and their target is your bare ass which is still unaware of the tragedy that is about to unravel itself while your guard is down.

soon afterwards, the otherwise peaceful state of the beach is disturbed by your screams while you scamper to shelter dodging one dick at a time but letting some other phallus find its target…

ouch! sounds painful


and that is the story of my life nowadays, when it comes to work and personal matters.

Losing it

•July 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Now that 2/3 of the month of Ramadan is gone, so is my pledge to myself to avoid eating greasy and fried food and keep my weight loss initiative in check.

Yeah, back in April, i decided that my belly and lethargy is getting out of control and needs to be curbed, thus began my gym appointment and the first serious attempt to cut down some fat and control my weight which was at 87 Kgs at that time.

3 Months later, i am now weighing a little less than 81, and left with only 1 month to reach my goal of 78 which seems almost impossible to achieve. :/


Looks like i will need to happily salvage whatever i am left with by the deadline.


I wish I could shed weight as easily as i had shed my bank balance in the past few months.

GoT Season 3: An Alternate Ending

•April 4, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Now that the Season 4 of Game of Thrones is just around the corner, here is an alternate ending of Season 3:

The covert operation inside the fort had finished and Daenerys Targaryan waited in front to greet the people she and her troops had set free… Slowly the hordes of slaves emerged and gathered around her.

"Mhysa", “Mhysa”…

they chanted and Daenerys saw her destiny,

they lifted her, and she felt like a queen,

they put her down and ate her alive…


Daenerys had forgotten to figure out how the slaves were trained


P.S: Its absolutely coincidental if the same concept is already presented by someone else. you know, great minds think alike.

Lets ban one more thing

•April 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Apart from the rest of the negative reputation that surrounds us, we pakistanis are also good at two other things:

1 – Banning stuff which we don’t agree with (or don’t seem to like)

2 – Cricket

combining these two topics result in “Ban the game of Cricket”, but this is not what i intend to write today.


After the shameful defeat of the national cricket team (shaheens as they call them *cough* *cough*) in the T20 World Cup, the cricket fans (which sums up the 95% of the country’s population1) are ready to blame it on anything that moves. Blame the management, blame the captain, blame the akmal brothers, blame afridi, blame the TV channels for showing too much ads, blame Imran Khan, blame ‘external forces’, blah blah

Being a disappointed cricket fan, i wanna blame someone or something too… I wanna blame “Jawwad Ahmed – the singer” for making a “one size fits all” apologetic song so that the lame tv channels play it after a shameful performance of our team. Seriously, we can tolerate one loss, two or three may be… but losing out like pussies at every critical game and then expecting fans to ‘love’ them back for being such pussies is unacceptable…

Coming back to the the topic of banning something, i demand the government to use its executive banning powers in broader interest of this nation and ban the “Tum Jeeto Ya Haaro” song… that song has been playing in my ears for days and pisses me off every time i hear it.


About Time Jawwad Ahmed (or any other singer) comes up with a new apologetic song so that it could become our team’s anthem for a year or two… till the cycle repeats itself (it always will).


1  This is a totally made up fact

P.S:  All the demands and emotions above are for fun purposes… except Team’s current performance and Jawwad Ahmed’s song. I hate them both.


Act of Kindness (short story)

•February 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

"How far will this act of kindness takes me?",I wondered as i stopped my car to let the hitchhiker in.

"Not far", came the answer soon afterwards,

with blurry eyes i saw my car move away as i bled to my death, my belonging gone.


Note: certainly adapted from well known occurrences


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The Leap of Faith

•December 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Watching the movie “Rush” made me wonder the logic behind all these “daring” things we tend to do. Are we all driven by the rebellious desire to achieve the unachievable? or is it just a social ploy to pretend that we have iron balls? I have had my share of these moments as well and this is the story of the last one that made me wonder if living the life means crossing the thin line between adventurism and insanity.

“Jump Now!”, the instructor shouted from down below. I looked down at the 30 feet depth and my legs started to shiver… again. This was the third time that afternoon i had chickened out of jumping from that cliff into the sea below. The instructor, realizing my discomfort ordered me to back the fuck off and asked me not to bother as i don’t have the balls to jump.

“How dare one calls me someone without balls?”, the superman with the giant steel balls inside of me intervened, “I must jump, and tell this instructor i am not a pussy”.
Thus i closed my eyes and took a leap of faith, with the hope that i will land exactly where the instructors wanted me to land as the tide was low and there were underwater rocks that may injure you badly if landed incorrectly or at the wrong place, i also hoped that my overweight bulk might not push me further down into the danger zone, and the biggest hope that after i have survived all this, i will open my eyes and the look of ridicule would have vanished from the face of the instructors, and those fellow jumpers who had apparently more balls than i had… and that i would sit amongst them with my head held high…….
thus i jumped….
I felt the wind, and it lasted for no more than a couple of seconds and a massive splash and a slap on my butt made the air escape from my tightly shut mouth. I had landed, though not the way i had hoped as the pain on my ass felt that i might have hit the water surface incorrectly, but nonetheless i was very much alive. and more than thankful that my ordeal was over and i can now swim back to the boat where the people who were intently waiting (and i learnt that some of them were even betting whether i would jump or not) for my return.

Again, that made me wonder whether it was a wise thing to do? one thing ;positive was that it helped me overcome a barrier of jumping from this height without any safety equipment, but still is it a wise thing to do? A guy who was behind me in the queue, thought the otherwise and came back to the water level by foot. I sometime wonder that he was perhaps the person in control and i just followed the social pressure, that decision could have gotten me injured or worse but in the end i still had my tiny iron balls to show off… the quest was over, but the questions still remain unanswered.

Perhaps i am now too old to follow the adrenaline. time to adopt a safer route.

P.S: The pain in my ass lasted nearly 10 days.

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Learning Earl Grey

•November 3, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Its night time, and its one of those nights when i have the opportunity to sip a cup of Earl Grey after a long hard day. Earl Grey is just awesome to taste and I really enjoy sipping it. But there are some funny memories associated with this type of tea as well, primarily due to my lack of knowledge how to make a cup of Earl Grey.

Well, i hail from a family who hasn’t known any other tea but black tea, and the same was transferred to me. The only types of teas i ever experienced most part of my life as our good old black tea with milk and green tea (lemon, jasemine etc). I was naturally surprised and curious when someone gave me some teabags of Earl Grey a couple of years back. I closely examined them, they looked black so i tried to brew then the desi way. poured hot water over it, added milk and sugar and sipped my new tea….
YUCK!!! that tasted like i was drinking from a cup not thoroughly rinsed after being washed by dishwasher liquid. it smelled of “Lemon Max” and probably tasted like it too… and the color was not really dark either.   I thought that my cup was REALLY not rinsed thoroughly so i drained it down the sink and tried to make it again.

Nopes, same fuggly taste, … then I realized that perhaps the tea actually tastes like this and i really didn’t like this taste.

Then, months later, i realized that i was doing it wrong… it was supposed to be made WITHOUT milk.



Since that discovery, Earl Grey has earned itself a prominent spot in the kitchen cabinet where i keep my teas.


High on cheap glue, We judge blue meth

•September 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment

As Breaking Bad comes to a series finale in the coming weeks, some people in my circle are becoming aware of its existence. Despite me being a fanboy of the series, sometimes i find myself in a deep confusion on what to tell them when they ask about the context.

He: “Hey, I think i should start watching Breaking Bad”.

Me: “Now?”, “its the last season”

He: “Just tell me what it is all about?”

Me: “ummm… its about a good-guy-turned-bad, chemistry guru who decided to start producing drugs to get rich”

He: “and…?”

Me: “Nothing much, just their day-to-day endeavors, and challenges they encounter during the process”

He: “Is that it? and its famous just because of this?”

Me: “yeah?…”

He: “I think i shall pass, doesn’t sound too exciting to me”


I guess i am not convincing enough… but seriously, i would only advice such jerks to not bother watching this show, Heisenberg and Gang is just too awesome to be experienced by these A-holes.

Douchebaggery Level: Pakistan

•August 17, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Those living in Pakistan must have seen the drama on TV when some douchebag drove right into the high security zone in Islamabad and started an armed sit-in…. after hours of negotiations and helplessness, it took a bloody civilian to step up and grab the guy before our police could take any further action and nab that asshole.

That particular incident actually represents what is wrong with this country:

1 – Self-righteous assholes who think that they can do whatever they want by holding an armed weapon

2 – Incompetent security personnel (especially police) who are not capable of doing what they are supposed to do at check posts.

3 – Insane media, who would go any depth to create sensationalism and ensure their lame-ass conspiracy theories are proved by equally lame-ass evidence

4 – And lastly, civilians who are not only frustrated by the ongoing violence in the country but also delusional after watching so much action flicks that they would rather take matters into their own hands without realizing that a single bullet could end their life then and there.


Anyways, all’s well that ends well… but that is yet another proof how badly fucked-up we are.